When I Grow Up...Wait, I am Grown Up.

I had to fill out my annual "performance review" today at work. My annual self evaluation. The questions were what you would expect: How did my performance contribute on the challenges faced by my department? What were the actions or factors that inhibited my performance? etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. times infinity.

***I am avoiding what is really bothering me about the performance review***

........sigh.

Really, what this annual performance review marks, is another year of my strange and unexpected professional path. I won't say it's the wrong or right path...but it's definitely not what I expected. I wonder where my creative self went. Was it sucked up by my computer screen? Did it get tangled up in my swivel chair? Is it lost in my dozens of unheard voicemails? I don't know. But somewhere between the beige walls, the bland office furniture, and cubicle farm that is my life, I think I've lost something I know I once had. I'm still me but there is something depressing about sitting down in your chair and suddenly realizing that you are just another 9-5er. I basically like my job. It pays my bills, sometimes interesting things happen, and sometimes my boss orders pizza for everyone. awesome. I like the people I work with but it's so very normal. I don't know. I was too naive. I was always under the impression that I would just simply fall into a job that allowed me to go on safaris and whale-watching tours and all the while fund my ever-expanding shoe collection. Not so, my friends. Not so.

There is something nice about it all, I suppose. Like because I have a stable job, I will someday be able to buy a house. And I can then have rooms in my house with themes like "safari" or "whale watching" and pretend like I did all those things. right. But there's still a twinge of confusion that I'm sure all people my age experience. That twinge that says, 'I was supposed to be special.' And what a hilarious, ridiculous thing to think. The funny part is, I don't remember anyone ever telling me that I was special and that it would be different for me. I was just sure that it would be. Like all young idiots.

So. Take a breath, I suppose. Reassess. Appreciate smaller things. Learn to cook spectacularly so you trick yourself into thinking your life is quite glamorous. Go to garage sales to remind yourself that really, we're all in the same boat. Appreciate that I've got an abundance of love in my life. Remember that it's spring and almost cherry blossom season in my city. What have I really got to complain about? Zero, my friends. Zero. Life is just funny, as usual.

It would be nice if my job would send me on a safari though.