Bathroom Behavior

Hey lady in the bathroom--
I'll apologize if you do.
Look, I'll even go first. Ahem.

I'm sorry I am in the habit of unbuttoning and unzipping my pants before I'm actually in the stall. I can't explain why I feel the need to do this part of going to the bathroom so far away from the actual toilet. It's just who I am. I'm really sorry you got an eye full of my pasty white stomach and that you now know what color of underwear I am wearing today. Sorry, I know it was uncomfortable for you, I know.

Ok--your turn. Here's what you should say:

Hey, I'm sorry that we were the only two people in the bathroom and that there were 12 other empty stalls but I chose the one directly next to yours. I know it made you feel weird and uncomfortable and inexplicably made you want to stick your hand under the stall and wave at me. I know it may seem weird to you, me choosing that stall right next to yours--and looking back, yeah, it probably was a little weird. I mean there were literally 12 other empty stalls I could have chosen. Also, my sincerest apologies for talking on my cell phone in the bathroom, on the toilet, in the stall right next to yours. Sorry. It probably made you feel extremely strange--thinking about how the person I was talking to could hear you peeing. Probably felt a little like an invasion. You probably sat there wondering who I was talking to--imagined all possible scenarios. You probably really had to go to the bathroom but were trying to hold it in because you were so dreadfully embarrassed. Heartfelt apologies.

Alright. Amen. Friends again.

But really not friends again. Cell phone in the bathroom. Probably not necessary. Probably not sanitary. Probably should be illegal.