I am at a crossroads, I feel.
If I sit still, I fear I will wind up glued to this chair for the next 40 years.
If I move...who knows. I may be sitting in this exact spot in 2 years, claiming to be at another "crossroads"
It makes me wonder if I will ever get to a point in my life where I just want to be still.
I hope I do. In some ways, I want to--
I love my boyfriend--I'd like that to stay the same for a long, long time.
But there are things...professionally. Professional things.
That make me cross-eyed.
Make me want to rip my hair out.
I'd like to find my "thing."
I've known people who just knew what they wanted to do.
And I always thought it was better to not know. To wander around and find yourself.
Now I realize that's usually how you end up sitting behind a desk you never wanted to sit at.
I don't know if my job will ever be my purpose in life...for some people, I think it is.
And I am a little jealous.
To go to work and feel you are walking toward your purpose...I can't imagine that.
I feel my purpose every day on my walk home.
Or when I'm with friends.
Or sitting on my couch on a long Saturday morning.
Or picking out birthday presents.
Or sitting on my rooftop with my boyfriend, taking in the last bit of daylight.
These are not things anyone is willing to pay me to do.
Pity, because I'm excellent at all of them.
My problem is that I assimilate.
Tell me what you need me to do/be, and I will do/be that thing.
You want me to be a young professional?
I will buy a pair of glasses, take excel and powerpoint classes, and I will be the most professional little thing you've ever met.
I blame my sign. Pisces. You stupid fish, chameleon.
So what do I want?
What do I want myself to do/be?
I'm not sure.
Don't know if I'll ever be sure.
For now--
I know I'd like to be...
kinder,
smarter,
frequenter in my correspondence with those I love.
craftier--I'd like to learn to sew.
I'd like to have more faith in myself, in others, and in things unseen.
outdoorsier. but who can be in this city?
I'd like to love better. fuller.
I'd also still like to have a puppy. Or at least a replacement fish.
1 comment :
"The idea that you might end up in a job that doesn't allow you to be who you are, over the course of a lifetime, is still one of the most chilling nightmares to me. It's a good metaphor for fears I have about losing my soul in some accidental, mundane way. So, to me, these jobs that my characters have are very loaded. They immediately suggest a complex character to me, a woman who is, say, a secretary, but also a vigilante on behalf of her own soul."
— Miranda July
Have you read any Miranda July? She's disturbingly twisted, but in a wonderful way. Love the blog, btw. :)
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