It's been about four hundred years since I've written a post, because I have been unfortunately distracted by life, and graduating, and finding a job, and moving into a new house, and going shopping (new season=new clothes), and shopping more. But anyway, now I'm doing the responsible, adult, post-college thing and blogging(I'm sort of peeved by that word-blogging, not sure why)while i'm supposed to be doing my job.
I've been watching a semi-disturbing number of Bachelor re-run marathons on ABC family(my personal crack-cocaine)and do my best to watch every episode of the current season of the Bachelorette. And by "do my best" I mean, I gouge out anybody's eyes who get in the way of me and the TV. I make Bachelorette Brownies for my sister and I every monday night, like some sacred, weekly holiday. I turn down legitimately fun-sounding invitations to do other things, in favor of watching how DeAnna's love-search unfolds. So okay, safe to say I'm going through a phase. But there are just a few things that I don't understand, can't figure out, etc. Clearly the producers and casting directors put a fair amount of obsessive weirdos and psychos in every season's batch. They must do it on purpose, otherwise how would people like Ron (the mayor of awkwardville), or the crazy chick who kept screaming about her rotting eggs, or the far too intense Mr. "I'm a virgin, guys! I'm so holy! You're a bleep bleepin bleeper! I'm a virgin!", ever find their way on the show? I'd be upset about that if I was the bachelorette, I'd want them to at least tell me who the crazies are so I can get rid of them early.
Plus If EVERYBODY who has EVER gone on the show (with a couple over-publicized exceptions) has broken up, seriously within weeks of the show, then why do people still go on it with any hope? Why do I still watch it with any hope?
And most importantly, why did she not give Fred a rose last week? I adored Fred. whats not to love about Fred.
In other show news, I have decided to have 8 kids at once so I can be just like John and Kate Plus Eight...or more than 8, to make things really exciting. I will go on Oprah and take the whole fam on network funded trips to Disney World and act really tired and stressed even though I'm secretly thinking Jackpot! Multiples are so trendy.
Maybe I'll add more later, sometimes a girl with a job has to, you know, do her job. If anybody is going to be around Kansas City this weekend by any chance, check out the Summer at Sea fashion show on west 18th street downtown, Saturday at dusk! (don't you love when things are scheduled at dusk, or dawn, or twilight, or tea time?) We have six pieces showing, should be thrilling.
go play outside.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
"We're not the same, dear, as we used to be"
My sincerest apologies to the three of you that actually read this blog. The last month of mine and Annie's life has been most chaotic what with her graduating from college and me moving 2,000 miles away.
Things people should be updated on:
1.) The new Death Cab CD is the best thing that has happened to me in years. I'm not even kidding. If you aren't a little punk who only likes top 40 music, go buy it. It's a good investment.
2,) I have seen 26 movies in the last month (yes I realize that is nearly one a day). 15 have been in the theatre. (No, I don't want to do the math and figure out how much money I've spent on movie tickets. I know there are starving people and causes I could give my money to but when I'm a millionaire, I'll make it up)
3.) I have chronic blisters on my feet from all my city walking but I refuse to buy ugly, sensible shoes.
4.) If my blood sugar is low, public transportation is not something I should take part in. Anger inevitably ensues.
Ok. Now for the actual post. Listen up all you people who are a-holes in a movie theatre. Some of us are very particular about our movie watching experience.
1.) If we are friends and I think we're ready to take our friendship to the next level, I will invite you to see a movie with me. You might think, 'oh, well that's no big deal, people do that all the time.' You would be fatally wrong on that point. I prefer to see movies alone. Yes, I am that person you see in the theatre with a 140 oz. diet coke and a XXXXXXXL bag of popcorn. With butter. I go alone most of the time because I don't want my experience to be disrupted. Too many times a person has made me late to the movies. Nothing and I mean nothing, not Michael Johns getting kicked of American Idol too soon, not the terrorists winning, not Paris Hilton being famous, makes me more angry than being late to the movies. I like to see the previews. Let me rephrase that, I LOVE to see the previews. And if you make me miss them we can no longer be friends because honestly, you'll never really understand me.
2.) Everybody likes a cute kid. Everybody. They are just darling when you dress them up and make them take awkward pictures. We like to see you push them around in strollers on a nice day. We like to see you eating ice cream together. We like when we see you grab their arm and drag them out of a department store because they are misbehaving. We all sort of smile and tilt our heads and think, I'm so glad that's not me. We all like the kids. But here's the thing, please don't bring them to the movies. Please. Leave the infant with the horrible, inattentive, Chris Brown-loving girl. Or, another idea, don't have kids if you're not prepared to give up your life. Seriously. And then, if you absolutely have to bring the kid, like if Chris Brown scheduled a concert last minute and your babysitter bailed, take it out of the theatre when it starts crying. And come on, the movie is rated R. I don't care how infantile they are, it can't be healthy for them to sit through that.
3.) Cell phones. Everybody knows how I feel about cell phones. Why do you need to text during a movie? Why? Who is dying? And I don't care how quiet you are trying to talk, WE HEAR YOU. Shut your trap and watch the movie. We all paid way too much to see it and we want to watch.
4.) On that note--don't talk during the movie. Just don't. Again, WE CAN HEAR YOU.
5.) To the person with the peanut-sized bladder. Maybe don't get a coke before the movie starts. Maybe that way you wouldn't have to interrupt my movie-viewing experience not once, but twice, so you can empty your teeny tiny, under-developed bladder. Who pees once an hour? Do you pee 24 times a day? And if you're sick or something, just leave. We don't want to get what you have.
6.) If you still wear windsuits or any other fabric that makes a distinct noise, please refrain from bouncing your leg up and down. It makes noise. Can you really not hear it? Because I promise you, the rest of us can.
That is all for now. There is more. But I will stop.
Good talking to all two of you again.
Things people should be updated on:
1.) The new Death Cab CD is the best thing that has happened to me in years. I'm not even kidding. If you aren't a little punk who only likes top 40 music, go buy it. It's a good investment.
2,) I have seen 26 movies in the last month (yes I realize that is nearly one a day). 15 have been in the theatre. (No, I don't want to do the math and figure out how much money I've spent on movie tickets. I know there are starving people and causes I could give my money to but when I'm a millionaire, I'll make it up)
3.) I have chronic blisters on my feet from all my city walking but I refuse to buy ugly, sensible shoes.
4.) If my blood sugar is low, public transportation is not something I should take part in. Anger inevitably ensues.
Ok. Now for the actual post. Listen up all you people who are a-holes in a movie theatre. Some of us are very particular about our movie watching experience.
1.) If we are friends and I think we're ready to take our friendship to the next level, I will invite you to see a movie with me. You might think, 'oh, well that's no big deal, people do that all the time.' You would be fatally wrong on that point. I prefer to see movies alone. Yes, I am that person you see in the theatre with a 140 oz. diet coke and a XXXXXXXL bag of popcorn. With butter. I go alone most of the time because I don't want my experience to be disrupted. Too many times a person has made me late to the movies. Nothing and I mean nothing, not Michael Johns getting kicked of American Idol too soon, not the terrorists winning, not Paris Hilton being famous, makes me more angry than being late to the movies. I like to see the previews. Let me rephrase that, I LOVE to see the previews. And if you make me miss them we can no longer be friends because honestly, you'll never really understand me.
2.) Everybody likes a cute kid. Everybody. They are just darling when you dress them up and make them take awkward pictures. We like to see you push them around in strollers on a nice day. We like to see you eating ice cream together. We like when we see you grab their arm and drag them out of a department store because they are misbehaving. We all sort of smile and tilt our heads and think, I'm so glad that's not me. We all like the kids. But here's the thing, please don't bring them to the movies. Please. Leave the infant with the horrible, inattentive, Chris Brown-loving girl. Or, another idea, don't have kids if you're not prepared to give up your life. Seriously. And then, if you absolutely have to bring the kid, like if Chris Brown scheduled a concert last minute and your babysitter bailed, take it out of the theatre when it starts crying. And come on, the movie is rated R. I don't care how infantile they are, it can't be healthy for them to sit through that.
3.) Cell phones. Everybody knows how I feel about cell phones. Why do you need to text during a movie? Why? Who is dying? And I don't care how quiet you are trying to talk, WE HEAR YOU. Shut your trap and watch the movie. We all paid way too much to see it and we want to watch.
4.) On that note--don't talk during the movie. Just don't. Again, WE CAN HEAR YOU.
5.) To the person with the peanut-sized bladder. Maybe don't get a coke before the movie starts. Maybe that way you wouldn't have to interrupt my movie-viewing experience not once, but twice, so you can empty your teeny tiny, under-developed bladder. Who pees once an hour? Do you pee 24 times a day? And if you're sick or something, just leave. We don't want to get what you have.
6.) If you still wear windsuits or any other fabric that makes a distinct noise, please refrain from bouncing your leg up and down. It makes noise. Can you really not hear it? Because I promise you, the rest of us can.
That is all for now. There is more. But I will stop.
Good talking to all two of you again.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Even though I have been an official co-person of this blog since, I don't know, a really long time ago, this is actually the first time I'm posting anything. Maybe you're wondering why it has taken me so long to participate, and so am I. Which means I don't know why really, but since I'm new, I should probably just lay out the basics on how I feel about certain really important cultural subjects. That way, you'll know where I stand on things like double denim and hilary clinton and celebrity rehab, and then we can all just go from there and you'll feel like I've been participating all along. So here it is:
1) The Hills: I watched the premiere on Monday night, mainly just because I was determined to see why it is one of the top-watched shows of all eternity (I really read that somewhere) and I just have to say, kill me now. If I was getting paid to wear billion dollar clothes, "work" at a trendy magazine, go on trips to paris, and whatever else they do, then I would like to think that I wouldn't be so flat and boring as the girls on the Hills. In every scene, they should be screaming for joy at how famous they are (for no good reason might I add), and rolling around in piles of all the free clothes. Thats how I would do it. I still think a Manhattan, Kansas version would be more entertaining; call it "the flinthills" and film it at my house; our couches don't match, our christmas tree is still up, we have fish, and more television worthy things happen to us than in the script of that worthless show. But of course I'm going to watch next week, because its sort of fun to see Heidi's lips get progressively botoxed.
2)Bravo Reality Shows: I'm addicted to Bravo, and even the shows I try to roll my eyes at, I end up getting hooked on. There is this one episode of Make Me a Supermodel, that I think I have actually seen 3 whole times. And somehow, I end up sitting through the entire thing, like it's completely new to me. And on most channels, I don't even watch a full episode of anything before i get up to do something else. Bravo=serious addiction.
3)Famous People I Strongly Dislike: I think maybe I should just list them, in their respective categories. First off; The Talentless: Jessica Biel (and anybody else who was on Seventh Heaven, which is ironically the one show they probably make people watch in hell.), Scarlett Johansson (plus, she's a butterface), Lindsey Lohan (goes without saying), The Simpsons, Tyra Banks, and the guy from Hitman. Next category, The Identityless: defined by their conversion of style and behavior whenever they date someone new. The Simpsons, Paris Hilton (suddenly she's a rockstar girlfriend or something? A month ago she was running around in pink diamond sandles with a little dog under her arm and now this?), Angelina Jolie (blood sucker turned supermom), and thats about all that I can think of at this point.
4)Famous People I Actually Do Like: Chris Brown. and Ellen.
5)Politics: People always talk about how neato the next presidency could be if we either have a black or female president. And I'm thinking, yeah I get your point, but is Hilary really a woman? And if she is, is she the best representation we can find? She's just kind of a fuddy duddy.
6)Scariest Person Ever: Nicolas Cage. He unexplainably...really frightens me.
7) Creepy News: I never really watch the news, or stay all that updated on comings and goings of stuff. Most of the time we just watch The Soup on the E! channel, which keeps us fairly informed. But I feel like there is just a lot of creepy news lately. Like this one story I read about a lady who sat in a bathroom so long, that the toilet seat fused to her bum. They had to load her into an ambulance with her connected to the toilet seat. And what about that governor, who keeps getting revealed as this whorehouse addicted creepo. How did he have time to govern at all, seems like he just spent all his life going from brothel to brothel in new york city.
That was my first post ever, yippy skippy.
1) The Hills: I watched the premiere on Monday night, mainly just because I was determined to see why it is one of the top-watched shows of all eternity (I really read that somewhere) and I just have to say, kill me now. If I was getting paid to wear billion dollar clothes, "work" at a trendy magazine, go on trips to paris, and whatever else they do, then I would like to think that I wouldn't be so flat and boring as the girls on the Hills. In every scene, they should be screaming for joy at how famous they are (for no good reason might I add), and rolling around in piles of all the free clothes. Thats how I would do it. I still think a Manhattan, Kansas version would be more entertaining; call it "the flinthills" and film it at my house; our couches don't match, our christmas tree is still up, we have fish, and more television worthy things happen to us than in the script of that worthless show. But of course I'm going to watch next week, because its sort of fun to see Heidi's lips get progressively botoxed.
2)Bravo Reality Shows: I'm addicted to Bravo, and even the shows I try to roll my eyes at, I end up getting hooked on. There is this one episode of Make Me a Supermodel, that I think I have actually seen 3 whole times. And somehow, I end up sitting through the entire thing, like it's completely new to me. And on most channels, I don't even watch a full episode of anything before i get up to do something else. Bravo=serious addiction.
3)Famous People I Strongly Dislike: I think maybe I should just list them, in their respective categories. First off; The Talentless: Jessica Biel (and anybody else who was on Seventh Heaven, which is ironically the one show they probably make people watch in hell.), Scarlett Johansson (plus, she's a butterface), Lindsey Lohan (goes without saying), The Simpsons, Tyra Banks, and the guy from Hitman. Next category, The Identityless: defined by their conversion of style and behavior whenever they date someone new. The Simpsons, Paris Hilton (suddenly she's a rockstar girlfriend or something? A month ago she was running around in pink diamond sandles with a little dog under her arm and now this?), Angelina Jolie (blood sucker turned supermom), and thats about all that I can think of at this point.
4)Famous People I Actually Do Like: Chris Brown. and Ellen.
5)Politics: People always talk about how neato the next presidency could be if we either have a black or female president. And I'm thinking, yeah I get your point, but is Hilary really a woman? And if she is, is she the best representation we can find? She's just kind of a fuddy duddy.
6)Scariest Person Ever: Nicolas Cage. He unexplainably...really frightens me.
7) Creepy News: I never really watch the news, or stay all that updated on comings and goings of stuff. Most of the time we just watch The Soup on the E! channel, which keeps us fairly informed. But I feel like there is just a lot of creepy news lately. Like this one story I read about a lady who sat in a bathroom so long, that the toilet seat fused to her bum. They had to load her into an ambulance with her connected to the toilet seat. And what about that governor, who keeps getting revealed as this whorehouse addicted creepo. How did he have time to govern at all, seems like he just spent all his life going from brothel to brothel in new york city.
That was my first post ever, yippy skippy.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I meant what I said and I said what I meant...an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent
List of things I've noticed lately:
1.) I feel like I've discovered a great deal of new music from commercials. Advertisers must have caught on that we don't like jingles. They're corny and stupid. Except I always liked the "What would you do for a Klondike Bar," one. Because, what would I do for a klondike bar? I don't know. I guess a variety of things. I don't know just how far I would go. It's quite perplexing.
2.) How horrible is that show, 'Moment of Truth.' I mean seriously. These people go on these shows, with their families, and they have to answer all these horrible, horrible questions, with their spouse or mother sitting right there. Like "Have you ever regretted marrying your husband?" And the lady's husband is sitting like 10 feet away just staring at her. I don't know. It's so awkward and uncomfortable it makes my head explode. Not literally. But I kept seeing promos for it and I thought, well that's pretty awful, and then it was on right before American Idol last night so I watched the last 5 minutes...and it really is that awful. I guess people really are willing to destroy their entire lives for money. Smart.
3.) Perfect transition. American Idol. I know I used to love David Archuleta and I wanted to put him in my pocket and everything--but the last few weeks I've decided he's on the wrong show. I think he should try out for the Miss America Pageant. I really do. It's like everything has to have a message and meaning. And come on, who doesn't want everyone to have a home and enough to eat, but give me a break. Just shut up, stop trying to send a message all the time. It's annoying. And he's so pageanty it's driving me insane. I'm now pulling for Michael Johns or David Cook. I don't really like any of the girls.
4.) I do a lot of substitute teaching so I'm in public schools a lot. One day, I was teaching freshman English. The kids were studying Romeo and Juliet. I start looking through the lesson plans and I see that they are just watching the movie today. You know, the Baz Luhrman, Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio version. And I think, huh--they must have already finished the play and this is like a special treat or something. WRONG. The teacher had decided that this version of the movie would be an adequate replacement for reading the actual play of Romeo and Juliet. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I mean people wonder about illiteracy and declining levels of reading comprehension--well there you go. There's the problem right there. I mean give me a break (break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar....sorry, I have jingles in my head) --find a different job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qalOYQrgxqQ&feature=related
The crazy thing is, I have never actually had a klondike bar. Which is frankly amazing, considering it ranks in my top five of songs most likely to get stuck in my head. Also on the list, Backstreet Boys, Show me the meaning of Being lonely. I have no explanation.
1.) I feel like I've discovered a great deal of new music from commercials. Advertisers must have caught on that we don't like jingles. They're corny and stupid. Except I always liked the "What would you do for a Klondike Bar," one. Because, what would I do for a klondike bar? I don't know. I guess a variety of things. I don't know just how far I would go. It's quite perplexing.
2.) How horrible is that show, 'Moment of Truth.' I mean seriously. These people go on these shows, with their families, and they have to answer all these horrible, horrible questions, with their spouse or mother sitting right there. Like "Have you ever regretted marrying your husband?" And the lady's husband is sitting like 10 feet away just staring at her. I don't know. It's so awkward and uncomfortable it makes my head explode. Not literally. But I kept seeing promos for it and I thought, well that's pretty awful, and then it was on right before American Idol last night so I watched the last 5 minutes...and it really is that awful. I guess people really are willing to destroy their entire lives for money. Smart.
3.) Perfect transition. American Idol. I know I used to love David Archuleta and I wanted to put him in my pocket and everything--but the last few weeks I've decided he's on the wrong show. I think he should try out for the Miss America Pageant. I really do. It's like everything has to have a message and meaning. And come on, who doesn't want everyone to have a home and enough to eat, but give me a break. Just shut up, stop trying to send a message all the time. It's annoying. And he's so pageanty it's driving me insane. I'm now pulling for Michael Johns or David Cook. I don't really like any of the girls.
4.) I do a lot of substitute teaching so I'm in public schools a lot. One day, I was teaching freshman English. The kids were studying Romeo and Juliet. I start looking through the lesson plans and I see that they are just watching the movie today. You know, the Baz Luhrman, Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio version. And I think, huh--they must have already finished the play and this is like a special treat or something. WRONG. The teacher had decided that this version of the movie would be an adequate replacement for reading the actual play of Romeo and Juliet. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I mean people wonder about illiteracy and declining levels of reading comprehension--well there you go. There's the problem right there. I mean give me a break (break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar....sorry, I have jingles in my head) --find a different job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qalOYQrgxqQ&feature=related
The crazy thing is, I have never actually had a klondike bar. Which is frankly amazing, considering it ranks in my top five of songs most likely to get stuck in my head. Also on the list, Backstreet Boys, Show me the meaning of Being lonely. I have no explanation.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Just slip out the back Jack--Make a new plan Stan
Rehabilitate this.
This just in: Another celebrity has checked into rehab. Oh my. Please--let's stop discussing the War in Iraq so I can hear about how rough this poor celebrity has it. How they just had to turn to substances because life was really bad and they really believe this 4 day stay will be just the cure.
Disclaimer: I am sympathetic to those struggling with substance abuse and I appreciate the difficulty of the situation. HOWEVER---
How many more celebrities do we need to hear about? I mean it's like an epidemic. I guess I just don't understand and for the most part I think it's just a publicity stunt. Which is great. Let's lessen the seriousness of addiction by making it like totally mainstream and like a totally awesome reality t.v. show. I mean, come on--Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Give me a break. Reality t.v. is a post all its own but I have to say that show is just terrible. People struggling with substances isn't entertainment. Is that what we've become? To take one of the saddest forms of self inflicted suffering imaginable and trying to pass it off as entertainment? And don't feed me crap about how it's on t.v. to show people how tough it really is and whatever--it's on t.v. for one reason and one reason only--to make people money.
I don't buy all these celebrities checking into rehab. I just don't. And apparently it doesn't really work. I mean how many times are we going to have to watch Britney Spears self destruct? That girl's mother should yank her out of Hollywood and move to Montana. Oh but wait. Her mother has been too busy writing a book on parenting to worry about what her kid is actually doing.
I have no patience with issues like this. You know substance abuse is not a new issue. This isn't the first generation of alcoholics. I don't understand the way people are choosing to handle these situations except as far as I can tell--it's like a nice, substance free vacation from making B-list movies and worthless pop records.
I'm losing sympathy. Maybe I never had any to begin with.
I mean come on--you never hear about Larry the Cable Guy checking into rehab.
This just in: Another celebrity has checked into rehab. Oh my. Please--let's stop discussing the War in Iraq so I can hear about how rough this poor celebrity has it. How they just had to turn to substances because life was really bad and they really believe this 4 day stay will be just the cure.
Disclaimer: I am sympathetic to those struggling with substance abuse and I appreciate the difficulty of the situation. HOWEVER---
How many more celebrities do we need to hear about? I mean it's like an epidemic. I guess I just don't understand and for the most part I think it's just a publicity stunt. Which is great. Let's lessen the seriousness of addiction by making it like totally mainstream and like a totally awesome reality t.v. show. I mean, come on--Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Give me a break. Reality t.v. is a post all its own but I have to say that show is just terrible. People struggling with substances isn't entertainment. Is that what we've become? To take one of the saddest forms of self inflicted suffering imaginable and trying to pass it off as entertainment? And don't feed me crap about how it's on t.v. to show people how tough it really is and whatever--it's on t.v. for one reason and one reason only--to make people money.
I don't buy all these celebrities checking into rehab. I just don't. And apparently it doesn't really work. I mean how many times are we going to have to watch Britney Spears self destruct? That girl's mother should yank her out of Hollywood and move to Montana. Oh but wait. Her mother has been too busy writing a book on parenting to worry about what her kid is actually doing.
I have no patience with issues like this. You know substance abuse is not a new issue. This isn't the first generation of alcoholics. I don't understand the way people are choosing to handle these situations except as far as I can tell--it's like a nice, substance free vacation from making B-list movies and worthless pop records.
I'm losing sympathy. Maybe I never had any to begin with.
I mean come on--you never hear about Larry the Cable Guy checking into rehab.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I wish men still danced like Gene Kelly
On Cellular Devices.
Ok. I have given up trying to defy technology. I mean I have a blog for crying out loud. For so long I tried to push it away. For so long I tried to pretend that it would all blow over and pretty soon we'd all be back to riding our bicycles and getting porn the good old fashioned way--from a magazine. (Ok the last part was crass. My apologies to the pure of heart and mind). I accept that certain things will never be the way they used to be. And that's fine--that's the way the world works and it's necessary for it to constantly change and move. However manners, and our expectations of people are things I don't think should ever change.
I'm quite a stickler on manners. Saying please and thank you and putting your napkin in your lap when you eat and saying hello and goodbye and dammit just once I wish someone would stand up for me when I came to a table. I think people should starts their letters, WAIT, e-mails with "Dear" and end them "Sincerely," or "Yours," or if they must, "Love." People should say "Excuse me." Anyway. I like manners. I'm not uptight--I just expect people to extend the same politeness to me that I extend to them.
Now, cell phones are nifty little things. I mean they've completely made that nasty chore of memorizing phone numbers non-existent. They are good to have for emergencies. (Note: I miss people not being able to contact me at any point in the day).
But that's not the point of this post.
My point is the rudeness that too often accompanies cell phones. Do you want to know what I find more infuriating than anything else in the world? When I'm talking to a person, or I'm watching a movie with a person and they find it necessary to pull out their phone and text people for two hours. I hate text messaging. I'm terrible at it. I just stare at the keys blankly and become annoyed and start pressing buttons that don't make sense. I hate texting. And I think it's incredibly rude to text when you are with other people. You look like a loser, and you are quite rude. So stop. Look at me and listen to me because I'm sure I have many important things to say to you. Like David Archuleta should be the next American Idol. And Obama the next president. (See who I put first? Priorities)
I've said it before. Texting and walking. I mean seriously--what is so important that it can't wait a few minutes? Are you dying? Is your mother dying? Is your childhood pet dying? (Wait, that is not important enough to text and walk--it must be the death of a human) Is your car/home being broken into? Oh, no? Ok then put the phone away and just walk. Just walk. Do we really have to stimulated by something electronic at every moment in the day?
And talking on the phone. I can't stand when people find it necessary to talk on their phone around other people. If it's a private phone call then make it private. Leave the table, leave the room. Go sit in your car or something. That's the beauty of cell phones--they go anywhere. Kindly take them away from me.
And the ringtones. I get it. It's totally awesome to have Fergie's latest spelling bee set to music as your ringtone--but turn it off. Especially if you're receiving numerous texts and you answer it immediately so everyone in the room hears the same opening chords over and over again. It's called vibrate. Use it. Love it.
I don't know. I'm just sick of it I guess. Put the cell phone down and get a life.
Ok. I have given up trying to defy technology. I mean I have a blog for crying out loud. For so long I tried to push it away. For so long I tried to pretend that it would all blow over and pretty soon we'd all be back to riding our bicycles and getting porn the good old fashioned way--from a magazine. (Ok the last part was crass. My apologies to the pure of heart and mind). I accept that certain things will never be the way they used to be. And that's fine--that's the way the world works and it's necessary for it to constantly change and move. However manners, and our expectations of people are things I don't think should ever change.
I'm quite a stickler on manners. Saying please and thank you and putting your napkin in your lap when you eat and saying hello and goodbye and dammit just once I wish someone would stand up for me when I came to a table. I think people should starts their letters, WAIT, e-mails with "Dear" and end them "Sincerely," or "Yours," or if they must, "Love." People should say "Excuse me." Anyway. I like manners. I'm not uptight--I just expect people to extend the same politeness to me that I extend to them.
Now, cell phones are nifty little things. I mean they've completely made that nasty chore of memorizing phone numbers non-existent. They are good to have for emergencies. (Note: I miss people not being able to contact me at any point in the day).
But that's not the point of this post.
My point is the rudeness that too often accompanies cell phones. Do you want to know what I find more infuriating than anything else in the world? When I'm talking to a person, or I'm watching a movie with a person and they find it necessary to pull out their phone and text people for two hours. I hate text messaging. I'm terrible at it. I just stare at the keys blankly and become annoyed and start pressing buttons that don't make sense. I hate texting. And I think it's incredibly rude to text when you are with other people. You look like a loser, and you are quite rude. So stop. Look at me and listen to me because I'm sure I have many important things to say to you. Like David Archuleta should be the next American Idol. And Obama the next president. (See who I put first? Priorities)
I've said it before. Texting and walking. I mean seriously--what is so important that it can't wait a few minutes? Are you dying? Is your mother dying? Is your childhood pet dying? (Wait, that is not important enough to text and walk--it must be the death of a human) Is your car/home being broken into? Oh, no? Ok then put the phone away and just walk. Just walk. Do we really have to stimulated by something electronic at every moment in the day?
And talking on the phone. I can't stand when people find it necessary to talk on their phone around other people. If it's a private phone call then make it private. Leave the table, leave the room. Go sit in your car or something. That's the beauty of cell phones--they go anywhere. Kindly take them away from me.
And the ringtones. I get it. It's totally awesome to have Fergie's latest spelling bee set to music as your ringtone--but turn it off. Especially if you're receiving numerous texts and you answer it immediately so everyone in the room hears the same opening chords over and over again. It's called vibrate. Use it. Love it.
I don't know. I'm just sick of it I guess. Put the cell phone down and get a life.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
'Idol' hands are the devil's playthings.
Oh my. Is it already that time of year again? It can't be. It really can't be time yet. I only just stopped having nightmares about Sanjaya Malakar last week. But alas. My tivo has confirmed it. It's idol season.
During season 1 I was really into American Idol. Then I got sick of watching idiots win so I quit watching for awhile.
But recently I've come back. I returned for several reasons.
#1 I absolutely love Simon Cowell. He says it like it is. He gets a bad rap because most people have a thin skin and can't admit the fact that they suck and should find dreams that don't include people having to listen to their terrible voices but I think he's an alright guy.
#2 Watching Paula Abdul make a complete idiot of herself. I mean the woman may have thought her embarassing days were over once she made the Opposites Attract music video with that cartoon cat...but I don't know...I guess she never realized she'd be paid to give professional advice to young singers. I feel like maybe Paula's been smoking crack but I can't tell for sure.
#3 Picking out a person to relentlessly make fun of. This season I have chosen Garrett Haley. Oh my. He'll be loads of fun. Also that Danny Noriega. Sometimes they make it too easy.
#4 Two words: David Archuleta. He's only 17 so legal issues have to be taken into consideration, but I think he's kind of a doll. And I don't think too many people are dolls. But he is. You kind of just want to put him in your pocket
because he's so little but then he starts singing and he's kind of hot but then you remember he's only 17. But still. I think David Archuleta should win this year.
I guess I'm just really glad American Idol has started because now maybe the news will cover less about all this next president of the United States crap and more on who our next totally awesome American Idol is going to be. They're called priorities people.
During season 1 I was really into American Idol. Then I got sick of watching idiots win so I quit watching for awhile.
But recently I've come back. I returned for several reasons.
#1 I absolutely love Simon Cowell. He says it like it is. He gets a bad rap because most people have a thin skin and can't admit the fact that they suck and should find dreams that don't include people having to listen to their terrible voices but I think he's an alright guy.
#2 Watching Paula Abdul make a complete idiot of herself. I mean the woman may have thought her embarassing days were over once she made the Opposites Attract music video with that cartoon cat...but I don't know...I guess she never realized she'd be paid to give professional advice to young singers. I feel like maybe Paula's been smoking crack but I can't tell for sure.
#3 Picking out a person to relentlessly make fun of. This season I have chosen Garrett Haley. Oh my. He'll be loads of fun. Also that Danny Noriega. Sometimes they make it too easy.
#4 Two words: David Archuleta. He's only 17 so legal issues have to be taken into consideration, but I think he's kind of a doll. And I don't think too many people are dolls. But he is. You kind of just want to put him in your pocket
because he's so little but then he starts singing and he's kind of hot but then you remember he's only 17. But still. I think David Archuleta should win this year. I guess I'm just really glad American Idol has started because now maybe the news will cover less about all this next president of the United States crap and more on who our next totally awesome American Idol is going to be. They're called priorities people.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
I'd be a pirate for the booty. And the outfit.
When you start a blog entitled, "Cultural Confusion," you know full well that you are obligated to post a commentary regarding the most confusing of all holidays, Valentine's Day. However when you're as repulsed by cliches as I am, you have to wait until February 16 to write about Valentine's Day.
Oh Valentine's Day. El dia de san valentine. What to do with such a day. No one knows really. If you're in love (or what you think is love--really, 7 times out of 10 you're not in love it's just a strange combination of hormones, weather patterns, and manipulative behavior tricking your subconscious) you're frantically looking for a relationship appropriate gift for your significant other. If you're not in love you frantically avoid malls, florists, jewlers, television and anyone who looks slightly happy. I fall in the latter--though I think there are varying degrees to each reaction of this holiday.
But I don't really want to talk about Valentine's Day since that day is over--I want to talk about what the day represents. Love.
I don't understand love. This fact doesn't bother me as it bothers some. We are constantly bombarded with false images of love. The media sees to that. And the thing is--that's fine--as long as you don't buy into it and think that you too can go on a show and make a man fall in love with you instead of the other 24 girls and he'll propose to you and then have a very public break up--but that's ok--because if you break up that just means you get to be the very next Bachelorette. For the record I don't respect, trust or like any woman who would go on the Bachelor. Even that sweet, kind of dumb kindergarten teacher from a couple years back.
People bitch and complain about how romance is dead, chivalry is dead, relationships are dead. Cry cry cry. Valentine's Day inevitably gets me thinking about relationships. I have a more negative view on relationships but I think I can muster up a little bit of objectivity.
I think you need to start out with what love actually is. We've had a complete cheap-ification (you can make up words if you have your own blog) of love. There are websites, dating services, doctors, psychiatrists, shops, mega-stores, movies, t.v. shows, etc. etc. dedicated to getting people love. Love, like everything else, has become an industry. A means to profit. And all these methods for obtaining love come with some sort of Disney Fairy Tale sticker on it that you'll fall in love and it'll be forever.
Such a lie.
People act like love is the end all be all of relationships. I think love is an extremely preliminary aspect of relationships. Because the thing is love wears off. It does. I don't care what anyone tries to tell you--the newness and 'love'liness of it wears off and what you're left with are two very flawed people that share a living space.
I think that if I have to (I mean if someone ties me up and drugs me and binds me and hits me in the head so I forget everything I believe in) be in a relationship--I think the thing I would look for is committment. Not so much love. Committment. Because on the days that aren't so good--the days that actually really suck--I don't want someone to lie to me and say they love me anyway. Because I hate that. I hate that line and I hate that crap and come one--there are days that we're entirely unlovable. I don't want the lie. I just want to know that they'd stick around for a better day.
I think love is a choice. I'm sick of people saying it isn't. I think we have more say in our lives than people let on and saying things like 'you can't help the way you feel,/don't feel' are just ways to shrug off responsibility for our actions.
Anyway. This post bordered on seriousness. No worries. I'll get back to making fun of Larry the Cable Guy and James Vanderbeek quite soon. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.
Oh Valentine's Day. El dia de san valentine. What to do with such a day. No one knows really. If you're in love (or what you think is love--really, 7 times out of 10 you're not in love it's just a strange combination of hormones, weather patterns, and manipulative behavior tricking your subconscious) you're frantically looking for a relationship appropriate gift for your significant other. If you're not in love you frantically avoid malls, florists, jewlers, television and anyone who looks slightly happy. I fall in the latter--though I think there are varying degrees to each reaction of this holiday.
But I don't really want to talk about Valentine's Day since that day is over--I want to talk about what the day represents. Love.
I don't understand love. This fact doesn't bother me as it bothers some. We are constantly bombarded with false images of love. The media sees to that. And the thing is--that's fine--as long as you don't buy into it and think that you too can go on a show and make a man fall in love with you instead of the other 24 girls and he'll propose to you and then have a very public break up--but that's ok--because if you break up that just means you get to be the very next Bachelorette. For the record I don't respect, trust or like any woman who would go on the Bachelor. Even that sweet, kind of dumb kindergarten teacher from a couple years back.
People bitch and complain about how romance is dead, chivalry is dead, relationships are dead. Cry cry cry. Valentine's Day inevitably gets me thinking about relationships. I have a more negative view on relationships but I think I can muster up a little bit of objectivity.
I think you need to start out with what love actually is. We've had a complete cheap-ification (you can make up words if you have your own blog) of love. There are websites, dating services, doctors, psychiatrists, shops, mega-stores, movies, t.v. shows, etc. etc. dedicated to getting people love. Love, like everything else, has become an industry. A means to profit. And all these methods for obtaining love come with some sort of Disney Fairy Tale sticker on it that you'll fall in love and it'll be forever.
Such a lie.
People act like love is the end all be all of relationships. I think love is an extremely preliminary aspect of relationships. Because the thing is love wears off. It does. I don't care what anyone tries to tell you--the newness and 'love'liness of it wears off and what you're left with are two very flawed people that share a living space.
I think that if I have to (I mean if someone ties me up and drugs me and binds me and hits me in the head so I forget everything I believe in) be in a relationship--I think the thing I would look for is committment. Not so much love. Committment. Because on the days that aren't so good--the days that actually really suck--I don't want someone to lie to me and say they love me anyway. Because I hate that. I hate that line and I hate that crap and come one--there are days that we're entirely unlovable. I don't want the lie. I just want to know that they'd stick around for a better day.
I think love is a choice. I'm sick of people saying it isn't. I think we have more say in our lives than people let on and saying things like 'you can't help the way you feel,/don't feel' are just ways to shrug off responsibility for our actions.
Anyway. This post bordered on seriousness. No worries. I'll get back to making fun of Larry the Cable Guy and James Vanderbeek quite soon. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning
I've got some really super news. Super-duper, in fact.
If anybody wants to buy me the perfect gift for my birthday--here it is: 1 ticket to see the movie, "Witless Protection," starring Larry the Cable Guy. I mean it would be heaven. heaven. The title alone is enough to have me lining up days before the opening--just to make sure I get a front row seat. I mean it's so witty....so clever....everything a movie should be. And, bonus, it comes out on my birthday. I literally cannot wait.
Since I'm sitting so close to the edge of my seat waiting for the release of this movie, I did some research on Larry the Cable Guy just so I wouldn't wet my pants with anticipation. Larry the Cable Guy has done loads of great movies. Like--"Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular," "Delta Farce" (oh he's good), "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector." Lots of good things. I think he must be a great actor too because he always keeps his own name in every movie he does--a sure sign the actor is good. I mean even Robert De Niro doesn't even get to do that. The only exception to this occurred when he participated in the movie "Cars." That movie was good. Maybe he should stick to movies that don't show his face--that way no one would ever actually have to watch him act.
So--if anyone is looking for a gift--please make it a ticket to see "Witless Protection." Please. I would love it so much. So much.
And while we're at it--maybe for Valentine's Day instead of the usual array of flowers and little bears that no one ever knows what to do with, someone could get me a poster of Jeff Foxworthy. He's my second favorite. I mean talk about a laugh a minute. The work he's done with rednecks in this country is nothing short of inspiring.
In case sarcasm is lost in blogs--I have included a visual aid. This is a mild representation of what my face would look like if anyone actually made me see the movie "Witless Protection."
Except maybe my hair would be a little different because I quit it with the bullcut years ago. But close.
It's probably a safe bet that I will one day write something that makes fun of James Vanderbeek.
If anybody wants to buy me the perfect gift for my birthday--here it is: 1 ticket to see the movie, "Witless Protection," starring Larry the Cable Guy. I mean it would be heaven. heaven. The title alone is enough to have me lining up days before the opening--just to make sure I get a front row seat. I mean it's so witty....so clever....everything a movie should be. And, bonus, it comes out on my birthday. I literally cannot wait.
Since I'm sitting so close to the edge of my seat waiting for the release of this movie, I did some research on Larry the Cable Guy just so I wouldn't wet my pants with anticipation. Larry the Cable Guy has done loads of great movies. Like--"Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular," "Delta Farce" (oh he's good), "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector." Lots of good things. I think he must be a great actor too because he always keeps his own name in every movie he does--a sure sign the actor is good. I mean even Robert De Niro doesn't even get to do that. The only exception to this occurred when he participated in the movie "Cars." That movie was good. Maybe he should stick to movies that don't show his face--that way no one would ever actually have to watch him act.
So--if anyone is looking for a gift--please make it a ticket to see "Witless Protection." Please. I would love it so much. So much.
And while we're at it--maybe for Valentine's Day instead of the usual array of flowers and little bears that no one ever knows what to do with, someone could get me a poster of Jeff Foxworthy. He's my second favorite. I mean talk about a laugh a minute. The work he's done with rednecks in this country is nothing short of inspiring.
In case sarcasm is lost in blogs--I have included a visual aid. This is a mild representation of what my face would look like if anyone actually made me see the movie "Witless Protection."
Except maybe my hair would be a little different because I quit it with the bullcut years ago. But close.
It's probably a safe bet that I will one day write something that makes fun of James Vanderbeek.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
t-e-a-m-w-o-r-k
I always like a good joint effort.
We'll be tag teaming this blog from now on. We have chosen nice plays on plant names because as you will soon learn, we are quite witty.
Laughendar
and Goodthyme
We're quite earthy. Very green which is very now. We really do think you should recycle. And stop driving hummers.
We'll be tag teaming this blog from now on. We have chosen nice plays on plant names because as you will soon learn, we are quite witty.
Laughendar
and Goodthyme
We're quite earthy. Very green which is very now. We really do think you should recycle. And stop driving hummers.
Monday, February 4, 2008
The 'S' word you shouldn't say
You know how sometimes you just go through these little phases with things you say? Like when I was in 7th grade my bffs and I thought it was totally awesome to say, "like cha," in place of "yes." I've said it before and I will say it now--we cannot and should not be held accountable for our actions between the ages of 13-16. (by the time you're 17 you should have some stuff figured out). But anyway--lately I'm going through an equally disgusting phase.
I can't stop saying the word "super."
I don't know what it is. I don't even like the word. I don't like anything the word is used to describe. Super Heroes (I think they are lame. And I really hate how popular they are right now--please stop making movies about people who can fly or become invisible or shoot fire out of their eyes. Exception: Harry Potter. He is not a Super Hero, he is a warlock--though he can fly and become invisible) I dislike Super Wal-Marts,
Super-Soaker Waterguns (due to a very specific incident),
And the most seasonal 'Supers' of them all, the Super Bowl (I just don't care that much....usually.)
I just can't stop saying this word. I'll be at work and I'll ask someone how their day is and they'll say 'great' and I respond, 'super,' and I don't know why. It reminds me of those stamps that grade school teachers used to use. You know, when you would get a 100% on a worksheet and they wanted to give you something special. The stamp always said "super," or it was a sticker.
Super. I mean super is the word you use when you want to make fun of something. Oh no. I use it in all seriousness, in every day conversation. I mean maybe you could get away with using "super" in like 1992--you know, before we had so many totally awesome internet acronyms to describe how we're feeling. But not now. "Super" is the worst 's' word you can say. And I've thought of them all, so I know.
Have a super day.
Maybe I'll start saying "terrific" instead.
I can't stop saying the word "super."
I don't know what it is. I don't even like the word. I don't like anything the word is used to describe. Super Heroes (I think they are lame. And I really hate how popular they are right now--please stop making movies about people who can fly or become invisible or shoot fire out of their eyes. Exception: Harry Potter. He is not a Super Hero, he is a warlock--though he can fly and become invisible) I dislike Super Wal-Marts,
Super-Soaker Waterguns (due to a very specific incident),
And the most seasonal 'Supers' of them all, the Super Bowl (I just don't care that much....usually.)
I just can't stop saying this word. I'll be at work and I'll ask someone how their day is and they'll say 'great' and I respond, 'super,' and I don't know why. It reminds me of those stamps that grade school teachers used to use. You know, when you would get a 100% on a worksheet and they wanted to give you something special. The stamp always said "super," or it was a sticker.
Super. I mean super is the word you use when you want to make fun of something. Oh no. I use it in all seriousness, in every day conversation. I mean maybe you could get away with using "super" in like 1992--you know, before we had so many totally awesome internet acronyms to describe how we're feeling. But not now. "Super" is the worst 's' word you can say. And I've thought of them all, so I know.
Have a super day.
Maybe I'll start saying "terrific" instead.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Blog is a word that rhymes with many words
A friend of mine said that anybody who's anybody has a blog. I was on the fence for quite some time before I finally decided I wanted to be somebody. Look out world, I'm somebody.
I'm not 100% sure what you write in one of these things--but I named mine "cultural confusion" so I suppose my blog will be something like a social commentary...or I don't know what it will be.
I think blogs are about sharing things so I just have to share this one thing that's been eating at me for years now. Until I was 16 years old I thought singer/songwriter Ryan Adams was the same person as singer Bryan Adams. I just assumed that some people, like me, sometimes confused the name Ryan with Bryan because they rhyme (much like blog, log, flog, hog, etc.) If you aren't familiar with the work of Bryan Adams--that's really too bad. He has teamed up with musical legends like Barbara Streisand, Shania Twain, and Mel C (Sporty Spice of the Spice Girls). See what I mean by musical legends? It's easy to see how the two could be confused I think. If you look at their pictures, they both seem to share an affinity for red flannel shirts.
I am going to try and stay committed to this blog. I have a difficult time staying committed to anything--but I'll really try. God knows how much the world needs me thoughts on things. God knows.
I'm not 100% sure what you write in one of these things--but I named mine "cultural confusion" so I suppose my blog will be something like a social commentary...or I don't know what it will be.
I think blogs are about sharing things so I just have to share this one thing that's been eating at me for years now. Until I was 16 years old I thought singer/songwriter Ryan Adams was the same person as singer Bryan Adams. I just assumed that some people, like me, sometimes confused the name Ryan with Bryan because they rhyme (much like blog, log, flog, hog, etc.) If you aren't familiar with the work of Bryan Adams--that's really too bad. He has teamed up with musical legends like Barbara Streisand, Shania Twain, and Mel C (Sporty Spice of the Spice Girls). See what I mean by musical legends? It's easy to see how the two could be confused I think. If you look at their pictures, they both seem to share an affinity for red flannel shirts.
I am going to try and stay committed to this blog. I have a difficult time staying committed to anything--but I'll really try. God knows how much the world needs me thoughts on things. God knows.
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