Even though I have been an official co-person of this blog since, I don't know, a really long time ago, this is actually the first time I'm posting anything. Maybe you're wondering why it has taken me so long to participate, and so am I. Which means I don't know why really, but since I'm new, I should probably just lay out the basics on how I feel about certain really important cultural subjects. That way, you'll know where I stand on things like double denim and hilary clinton and celebrity rehab, and then we can all just go from there and you'll feel like I've been participating all along. So here it is:

1) The Hills: I watched the premiere on Monday night, mainly just because I was determined to see why it is one of the top-watched shows of all eternity (I really read that somewhere) and I just have to say, kill me now. If I was getting paid to wear billion dollar clothes, "work" at a trendy magazine, go on trips to paris, and whatever else they do, then I would like to think that I wouldn't be so flat and boring as the girls on the Hills. In every scene, they should be screaming for joy at how famous they are (for no good reason might I add), and rolling around in piles of all the free clothes. Thats how I would do it. I still think a Manhattan, Kansas version would be more entertaining; call it "the flinthills" and film it at my house; our couches don't match, our christmas tree is still up, we have fish, and more television worthy things happen to us than in the script of that worthless show. But of course I'm going to watch next week, because its sort of fun to see Heidi's lips get progressively botoxed.

2)Bravo Reality Shows: I'm addicted to Bravo, and even the shows I try to roll my eyes at, I end up getting hooked on. There is this one episode of Make Me a Supermodel, that I think I have actually seen 3 whole times. And somehow, I end up sitting through the entire thing, like it's completely new to me. And on most channels, I don't even watch a full episode of anything before i get up to do something else. Bravo=serious addiction.

3)Famous People I Strongly Dislike: I think maybe I should just list them, in their respective categories. First off; The Talentless: Jessica Biel (and anybody else who was on Seventh Heaven, which is ironically the one show they probably make people watch in hell.), Scarlett Johansson (plus, she's a butterface), Lindsey Lohan (goes without saying), The Simpsons, Tyra Banks, and the guy from Hitman. Next category, The Identityless: defined by their conversion of style and behavior whenever they date someone new. The Simpsons, Paris Hilton (suddenly she's a rockstar girlfriend or something? A month ago she was running around in pink diamond sandles with a little dog under her arm and now this?), Angelina Jolie (blood sucker turned supermom), and thats about all that I can think of at this point.

4)Famous People I Actually Do Like: Chris Brown. and Ellen.

5)Politics: People always talk about how neato the next presidency could be if we either have a black or female president. And I'm thinking, yeah I get your point, but is Hilary really a woman? And if she is, is she the best representation we can find? She's just kind of a fuddy duddy.

6)Scariest Person Ever: Nicolas Cage. He unexplainably...really frightens me.

7) Creepy News: I never really watch the news, or stay all that updated on comings and goings of stuff. Most of the time we just watch The Soup on the E! channel, which keeps us fairly informed. But I feel like there is just a lot of creepy news lately. Like this one story I read about a lady who sat in a bathroom so long, that the toilet seat fused to her bum. They had to load her into an ambulance with her connected to the toilet seat. And what about that governor, who keeps getting revealed as this whorehouse addicted creepo. How did he have time to govern at all, seems like he just spent all his life going from brothel to brothel in new york city.

That was my first post ever, yippy skippy.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant...an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent

List of things I've noticed lately:

1.) I feel like I've discovered a great deal of new music from commercials. Advertisers must have caught on that we don't like jingles. They're corny and stupid. Except I always liked the "What would you do for a Klondike Bar," one. Because, what would I do for a klondike bar? I don't know. I guess a variety of things. I don't know just how far I would go. It's quite perplexing.

2.) How horrible is that show, 'Moment of Truth.' I mean seriously. These people go on these shows, with their families, and they have to answer all these horrible, horrible questions, with their spouse or mother sitting right there. Like "Have you ever regretted marrying your husband?" And the lady's husband is sitting like 10 feet away just staring at her. I don't know. It's so awkward and uncomfortable it makes my head explode. Not literally. But I kept seeing promos for it and I thought, well that's pretty awful, and then it was on right before American Idol last night so I watched the last 5 minutes...and it really is that awful. I guess people really are willing to destroy their entire lives for money. Smart.

3.) Perfect transition. American Idol. I know I used to love David Archuleta and I wanted to put him in my pocket and everything--but the last few weeks I've decided he's on the wrong show. I think he should try out for the Miss America Pageant. I really do. It's like everything has to have a message and meaning. And come on, who doesn't want everyone to have a home and enough to eat, but give me a break. Just shut up, stop trying to send a message all the time. It's annoying. And he's so pageanty it's driving me insane. I'm now pulling for Michael Johns or David Cook. I don't really like any of the girls.

4.) I do a lot of substitute teaching so I'm in public schools a lot. One day, I was teaching freshman English. The kids were studying Romeo and Juliet. I start looking through the lesson plans and I see that they are just watching the movie today. You know, the Baz Luhrman, Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio version. And I think, huh--they must have already finished the play and this is like a special treat or something. WRONG. The teacher had decided that this version of the movie would be an adequate replacement for reading the actual play of Romeo and Juliet. I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I mean people wonder about illiteracy and declining levels of reading comprehension--well there you go. There's the problem right there. I mean give me a break (break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar....sorry, I have jingles in my head) --find a different job.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qalOYQrgxqQ&feature=related
The crazy thing is, I have never actually had a klondike bar. Which is frankly amazing, considering it ranks in my top five of songs most likely to get stuck in my head. Also on the list, Backstreet Boys, Show me the meaning of Being lonely. I have no explanation.

Just slip out the back Jack--Make a new plan Stan

Rehabilitate this.

This just in: Another celebrity has checked into rehab. Oh my. Please--let's stop discussing the War in Iraq so I can hear about how rough this poor celebrity has it. How they just had to turn to substances because life was really bad and they really believe this 4 day stay will be just the cure.

Disclaimer: I am sympathetic to those struggling with substance abuse and I appreciate the difficulty of the situation. HOWEVER---

How many more celebrities do we need to hear about? I mean it's like an epidemic. I guess I just don't understand and for the most part I think it's just a publicity stunt. Which is great. Let's lessen the seriousness of addiction by making it like totally mainstream and like a totally awesome reality t.v. show. I mean, come on--Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Give me a break. Reality t.v. is a post all its own but I have to say that show is just terrible. People struggling with substances isn't entertainment. Is that what we've become? To take one of the saddest forms of self inflicted suffering imaginable and trying to pass it off as entertainment? And don't feed me crap about how it's on t.v. to show people how tough it really is and whatever--it's on t.v. for one reason and one reason only--to make people money.

I don't buy all these celebrities checking into rehab. I just don't. And apparently it doesn't really work. I mean how many times are we going to have to watch Britney Spears self destruct? That girl's mother should yank her out of Hollywood and move to Montana. Oh but wait. Her mother has been too busy writing a book on parenting to worry about what her kid is actually doing.

I have no patience with issues like this. You know substance abuse is not a new issue. This isn't the first generation of alcoholics. I don't understand the way people are choosing to handle these situations except as far as I can tell--it's like a nice, substance free vacation from making B-list movies and worthless pop records.

I'm losing sympathy. Maybe I never had any to begin with.

I mean come on--you never hear about Larry the Cable Guy checking into rehab.

I wish men still danced like Gene Kelly

On Cellular Devices.


Ok. I have given up trying to defy technology. I mean I have a blog for crying out loud. For so long I tried to push it away. For so long I tried to pretend that it would all blow over and pretty soon we'd all be back to riding our bicycles and getting porn the good old fashioned way--from a magazine. (Ok the last part was crass. My apologies to the pure of heart and mind). I accept that certain things will never be the way they used to be. And that's fine--that's the way the world works and it's necessary for it to constantly change and move. However manners, and our expectations of people are things I don't think should ever change.

I'm quite a stickler on manners. Saying please and thank you and putting your napkin in your lap when you eat and saying hello and goodbye and dammit just once I wish someone would stand up for me when I came to a table. I think people should starts their letters, WAIT, e-mails with "Dear" and end them "Sincerely," or "Yours," or if they must, "Love." People should say "Excuse me." Anyway. I like manners. I'm not uptight--I just expect people to extend the same politeness to me that I extend to them.

Now, cell phones are nifty little things. I mean they've completely made that nasty chore of memorizing phone numbers non-existent. They are good to have for emergencies. (Note: I miss people not being able to contact me at any point in the day).

But that's not the point of this post.

My point is the rudeness that too often accompanies cell phones. Do you want to know what I find more infuriating than anything else in the world? When I'm talking to a person, or I'm watching a movie with a person and they find it necessary to pull out their phone and text people for two hours. I hate text messaging. I'm terrible at it. I just stare at the keys blankly and become annoyed and start pressing buttons that don't make sense. I hate texting. And I think it's incredibly rude to text when you are with other people. You look like a loser, and you are quite rude. So stop. Look at me and listen to me because I'm sure I have many important things to say to you. Like David Archuleta should be the next American Idol. And Obama the next president. (See who I put first? Priorities)

I've said it before. Texting and walking. I mean seriously--what is so important that it can't wait a few minutes? Are you dying? Is your mother dying? Is your childhood pet dying? (Wait, that is not important enough to text and walk--it must be the death of a human) Is your car/home being broken into? Oh, no? Ok then put the phone away and just walk. Just walk. Do we really have to stimulated by something electronic at every moment in the day?

And talking on the phone. I can't stand when people find it necessary to talk on their phone around other people. If it's a private phone call then make it private. Leave the table, leave the room. Go sit in your car or something. That's the beauty of cell phones--they go anywhere. Kindly take them away from me.

And the ringtones. I get it. It's totally awesome to have Fergie's latest spelling bee set to music as your ringtone--but turn it off. Especially if you're receiving numerous texts and you answer it immediately so everyone in the room hears the same opening chords over and over again. It's called vibrate. Use it. Love it.

I don't know. I'm just sick of it I guess. Put the cell phone down and get a life.