'Idol' hands are the devil's playthings.

Oh my. Is it already that time of year again? It can't be. It really can't be time yet. I only just stopped having nightmares about Sanjaya Malakar last week. But alas. My tivo has confirmed it. It's idol season.

During season 1 I was really into American Idol. Then I got sick of watching idiots win so I quit watching for awhile.

But recently I've come back. I returned for several reasons.
#1 I absolutely love Simon Cowell. He says it like it is. He gets a bad rap because most people have a thin skin and can't admit the fact that they suck and should find dreams that don't include people having to listen to their terrible voices but I think he's an alright guy.

#2 Watching Paula Abdul make a complete idiot of herself. I mean the woman may have thought her embarassing days were over once she made the Opposites Attract music video with that cartoon cat...but I don't know...I guess she never realized she'd be paid to give professional advice to young singers. I feel like maybe Paula's been smoking crack but I can't tell for sure.


#3 Picking out a person to relentlessly make fun of. This season I have chosen Garrett Haley. Oh my. He'll be loads of fun. Also that Danny Noriega. Sometimes they make it too easy.

#4 Two words: David Archuleta. He's only 17 so legal issues have to be taken into consideration, but I think he's kind of a doll. And I don't think too many people are dolls. But he is. You kind of just want to put him in your pocket because he's so little but then he starts singing and he's kind of hot but then you remember he's only 17. But still. I think David Archuleta should win this year.

I guess I'm just really glad American Idol has started because now maybe the news will cover less about all this next president of the United States crap and more on who our next totally awesome American Idol is going to be. They're called priorities people.

I'd be a pirate for the booty. And the outfit.

When you start a blog entitled, "Cultural Confusion," you know full well that you are obligated to post a commentary regarding the most confusing of all holidays, Valentine's Day. However when you're as repulsed by cliches as I am, you have to wait until February 16 to write about Valentine's Day.

Oh Valentine's Day. El dia de san valentine. What to do with such a day. No one knows really. If you're in love (or what you think is love--really, 7 times out of 10 you're not in love it's just a strange combination of hormones, weather patterns, and manipulative behavior tricking your subconscious) you're frantically looking for a relationship appropriate gift for your significant other. If you're not in love you frantically avoid malls, florists, jewlers, television and anyone who looks slightly happy. I fall in the latter--though I think there are varying degrees to each reaction of this holiday.

But I don't really want to talk about Valentine's Day since that day is over--I want to talk about what the day represents. Love.

I don't understand love. This fact doesn't bother me as it bothers some. We are constantly bombarded with false images of love. The media sees to that. And the thing is--that's fine--as long as you don't buy into it and think that you too can go on a show and make a man fall in love with you instead of the other 24 girls and he'll propose to you and then have a very public break up--but that's ok--because if you break up that just means you get to be the very next Bachelorette. For the record I don't respect, trust or like any woman who would go on the Bachelor. Even that sweet, kind of dumb kindergarten teacher from a couple years back.

People bitch and complain about how romance is dead, chivalry is dead, relationships are dead. Cry cry cry. Valentine's Day inevitably gets me thinking about relationships. I have a more negative view on relationships but I think I can muster up a little bit of objectivity.

I think you need to start out with what love actually is. We've had a complete cheap-ification (you can make up words if you have your own blog) of love. There are websites, dating services, doctors, psychiatrists, shops, mega-stores, movies, t.v. shows, etc. etc. dedicated to getting people love. Love, like everything else, has become an industry. A means to profit. And all these methods for obtaining love come with some sort of Disney Fairy Tale sticker on it that you'll fall in love and it'll be forever.

Such a lie.

People act like love is the end all be all of relationships. I think love is an extremely preliminary aspect of relationships. Because the thing is love wears off. It does. I don't care what anyone tries to tell you--the newness and 'love'liness of it wears off and what you're left with are two very flawed people that share a living space.

I think that if I have to (I mean if someone ties me up and drugs me and binds me and hits me in the head so I forget everything I believe in) be in a relationship--I think the thing I would look for is committment. Not so much love. Committment. Because on the days that aren't so good--the days that actually really suck--I don't want someone to lie to me and say they love me anyway. Because I hate that. I hate that line and I hate that crap and come one--there are days that we're entirely unlovable. I don't want the lie. I just want to know that they'd stick around for a better day.

I think love is a choice. I'm sick of people saying it isn't. I think we have more say in our lives than people let on and saying things like 'you can't help the way you feel,/don't feel' are just ways to shrug off responsibility for our actions.

Anyway. This post bordered on seriousness. No worries. I'll get back to making fun of Larry the Cable Guy and James Vanderbeek quite soon. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning

I've got some really super news. Super-duper, in fact.

If anybody wants to buy me the perfect gift for my birthday--here it is: 1 ticket to see the movie, "Witless Protection," starring Larry the Cable Guy. I mean it would be heaven. heaven. The title alone is enough to have me lining up days before the opening--just to make sure I get a front row seat. I mean it's so witty....so clever....everything a movie should be. And, bonus, it comes out on my birthday. I literally cannot wait.




Since I'm sitting so close to the edge of my seat waiting for the release of this movie, I did some research on Larry the Cable Guy just so I wouldn't wet my pants with anticipation. Larry the Cable Guy has done loads of great movies. Like--"Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular," "Delta Farce" (oh he's good), "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector." Lots of good things. I think he must be a great actor too because he always keeps his own name in every movie he does--a sure sign the actor is good. I mean even Robert De Niro doesn't even get to do that. The only exception to this occurred when he participated in the movie "Cars." That movie was good. Maybe he should stick to movies that don't show his face--that way no one would ever actually have to watch him act.

So--if anyone is looking for a gift--please make it a ticket to see "Witless Protection." Please. I would love it so much. So much.

And while we're at it--maybe for Valentine's Day instead of the usual array of flowers and little bears that no one ever knows what to do with, someone could get me a poster of Jeff Foxworthy. He's my second favorite. I mean talk about a laugh a minute. The work he's done with rednecks in this country is nothing short of inspiring.

In case sarcasm is lost in blogs--I have included a visual aid. This is a mild representation of what my face would look like if anyone actually made me see the movie "Witless Protection."



Except maybe my hair would be a little different because I quit it with the bullcut years ago. But close.
It's probably a safe bet that I will one day write something that makes fun of James Vanderbeek.

t-e-a-m-w-o-r-k

I always like a good joint effort.

We'll be tag teaming this blog from now on. We have chosen nice plays on plant names because as you will soon learn, we are quite witty.

Laughendar





and Goodthyme




We're quite earthy. Very green which is very now. We really do think you should recycle. And stop driving hummers.

The 'S' word you shouldn't say

You know how sometimes you just go through these little phases with things you say? Like when I was in 7th grade my bffs and I thought it was totally awesome to say, "like cha," in place of "yes." I've said it before and I will say it now--we cannot and should not be held accountable for our actions between the ages of 13-16. (by the time you're 17 you should have some stuff figured out). But anyway--lately I'm going through an equally disgusting phase.

I can't stop saying the word "super."

I don't know what it is. I don't even like the word. I don't like anything the word is used to describe. Super Heroes (I think they are lame. And I really hate how popular they are right now--please stop making movies about people who can fly or become invisible or shoot fire out of their eyes. Exception: Harry Potter. He is not a Super Hero, he is a warlock--though he can fly and become invisible) I dislike Super Wal-Marts,

Super-Soaker Waterguns (due to a very specific incident),

And the most seasonal 'Supers' of them all, the Super Bowl (I just don't care that much....usually.)

I just can't stop saying this word. I'll be at work and I'll ask someone how their day is and they'll say 'great' and I respond, 'super,' and I don't know why. It reminds me of those stamps that grade school teachers used to use. You know, when you would get a 100% on a worksheet and they wanted to give you something special. The stamp always said "super," or it was a sticker.

Super. I mean super is the word you use when you want to make fun of something. Oh no. I use it in all seriousness, in every day conversation. I mean maybe you could get away with using "super" in like 1992--you know, before we had so many totally awesome internet acronyms to describe how we're feeling. But not now. "Super" is the worst 's' word you can say. And I've thought of them all, so I know.

Have a super day.
Maybe I'll start saying "terrific" instead.

Blog is a word that rhymes with many words

A friend of mine said that anybody who's anybody has a blog. I was on the fence for quite some time before I finally decided I wanted to be somebody. Look out world, I'm somebody.

I'm not 100% sure what you write in one of these things--but I named mine "cultural confusion" so I suppose my blog will be something like a social commentary...or I don't know what it will be.

I think blogs are about sharing things so I just have to share this one thing that's been eating at me for years now. Until I was 16 years old I thought singer/songwriter Ryan Adams was the same person as singer Bryan Adams. I just assumed that some people, like me, sometimes confused the name Ryan with Bryan because they rhyme (much like blog, log, flog, hog, etc.) If you aren't familiar with the work of Bryan Adams--that's really too bad. He has teamed up with musical legends like Barbara Streisand, Shania Twain, and Mel C (Sporty Spice of the Spice Girls). See what I mean by musical legends? It's easy to see how the two could be confused I think. If you look at their pictures, they both seem to share an affinity for red flannel shirts.




I am going to try and stay committed to this blog. I have a difficult time staying committed to anything--but I'll really try. God knows how much the world needs me thoughts on things. God knows.