My sincerest apologies to the three of you that actually read this blog. The last month of mine and Annie's life has been most chaotic what with her graduating from college and me moving 2,000 miles away.
Things people should be updated on:
1.) The new Death Cab CD is the best thing that has happened to me in years. I'm not even kidding. If you aren't a little punk who only likes top 40 music, go buy it. It's a good investment.
2,) I have seen 26 movies in the last month (yes I realize that is nearly one a day). 15 have been in the theatre. (No, I don't want to do the math and figure out how much money I've spent on movie tickets. I know there are starving people and causes I could give my money to but when I'm a millionaire, I'll make it up)
3.) I have chronic blisters on my feet from all my city walking but I refuse to buy ugly, sensible shoes.
4.) If my blood sugar is low, public transportation is not something I should take part in. Anger inevitably ensues.
Ok. Now for the actual post. Listen up all you people who are a-holes in a movie theatre. Some of us are very particular about our movie watching experience.
1.) If we are friends and I think we're ready to take our friendship to the next level, I will invite you to see a movie with me. You might think, 'oh, well that's no big deal, people do that all the time.' You would be fatally wrong on that point. I prefer to see movies alone. Yes, I am that person you see in the theatre with a 140 oz. diet coke and a XXXXXXXL bag of popcorn. With butter. I go alone most of the time because I don't want my experience to be disrupted. Too many times a person has made me late to the movies. Nothing and I mean nothing, not Michael Johns getting kicked of American Idol too soon, not the terrorists winning, not Paris Hilton being famous, makes me more angry than being late to the movies. I like to see the previews. Let me rephrase that, I LOVE to see the previews. And if you make me miss them we can no longer be friends because honestly, you'll never really understand me.
2.) Everybody likes a cute kid. Everybody. They are just darling when you dress them up and make them take awkward pictures. We like to see you push them around in strollers on a nice day. We like to see you eating ice cream together. We like when we see you grab their arm and drag them out of a department store because they are misbehaving. We all sort of smile and tilt our heads and think, I'm so glad that's not me. We all like the kids. But here's the thing, please don't bring them to the movies. Please. Leave the infant with the horrible, inattentive, Chris Brown-loving girl. Or, another idea, don't have kids if you're not prepared to give up your life. Seriously. And then, if you absolutely have to bring the kid, like if Chris Brown scheduled a concert last minute and your babysitter bailed, take it out of the theatre when it starts crying. And come on, the movie is rated R. I don't care how infantile they are, it can't be healthy for them to sit through that.
3.) Cell phones. Everybody knows how I feel about cell phones. Why do you need to text during a movie? Why? Who is dying? And I don't care how quiet you are trying to talk, WE HEAR YOU. Shut your trap and watch the movie. We all paid way too much to see it and we want to watch.
4.) On that note--don't talk during the movie. Just don't. Again, WE CAN HEAR YOU.
5.) To the person with the peanut-sized bladder. Maybe don't get a coke before the movie starts. Maybe that way you wouldn't have to interrupt my movie-viewing experience not once, but twice, so you can empty your teeny tiny, under-developed bladder. Who pees once an hour? Do you pee 24 times a day? And if you're sick or something, just leave. We don't want to get what you have.
6.) If you still wear windsuits or any other fabric that makes a distinct noise, please refrain from bouncing your leg up and down. It makes noise. Can you really not hear it? Because I promise you, the rest of us can.
That is all for now. There is more. But I will stop.
Good talking to all two of you again.
